The Trap of Life

When I was little, I thought my life will be a miracle. It will be mine; It will be special; It will be absolutely fantastic no matter what I do.

Well, the reality is that more and more I realize that I am no more special than any other kid. The only difference is that I have the person that I am in charge of. Then, it is no wonder why I want my life to be different, colorful and amazing.

It is a terribly disturbing thought that I have to deal with a dull, uninteresting and uneventful life. However, the similarities between my life and other peoples' lives make me feel uncomfortable. And then, it is probably hard for me to understand that the exciting moments are momentary and the dull and the uneventful will be 99.9% of my existence.

Wave

Disclaimer: I am not talking about the Google Wave.

Wave is related to the ups and downs. I feel that I still haven't stepped out my wavy mood of that of a typical teenager. I am not sure why. This strong sense of irritability drives me nuts. Websites of dubious nature claim that irritability in teenager is a sign of depression. Oh, well, I am no longer a teenager.

The problem at hand right now is my unending skepticism and limited trust that I am willing to dedicate to the people surround me. Well, by no means I am saying that people are all evil and should not be trusted. In fact, I believe people are fundamentally kind-hearted, because human being have to live in a group to live and survive. Instead, what I am saying is that the pitfalls of human nature is so inevitable such that I don't want to risk myself.

This sounds so stupid as I am putting my ideas down. However, I feel powerless for change, powerless to admit that I used to be stupid and naive, and unwilling to reconcile my imperfect self with my ideal self image that was formed in the excessive love of my parents.

Now it comes to talking about a solution. Maybe, solution is too definitive of a word that puts another layer of perfectionism to complicate my dilemma even further. All I want to say is that it is time to continue my reading, my work and my life. 

What I Loved. From Siri.

It has been a long while ever since I read a novel book. It moved me. It probed me into thinking about my life in a way that I have never been able to. I do not know whether it has anything to do with the fact that I have never read poignant contemporary English novels. But, what indeed is true is that I have found that another person who is equally capable to feel but more capable to express.

This ability of expression makes me happy. It makes me feel as if my world is more complete than ever. Before, my life had been just my experience and the experience was not uttered and shared. I lacked the verbal capability to express and I lacked the opportunity to learn from the others. I am not sure whether I have lacked an audience. Well, I probably did. I had missed that train last time. I am not going to miss that again.

The story of What I Loved is about the love that is cherished but lost. Does it not sound like cliché when I put it down so blatantly this way? I guess love is never cliché, no matter how much people might think it is, including me sometimes. In retrospect, living in an artless world is a horror. To be precise, it was not an artless world that I had been living in, but rather, it was an artful world whose aesthetics is way beyond my grasp. It made me mute. It made me dull. And now, I see my feeling and sensation reviving.

I don’t actually know whether there is something called vanity that I seem to value so much. However, I do reckon that a lot of my motivation and ambition does not necessary fall into the tendency of trying to say within my own little comfort zone.

After all, I am glad that I feel I am a fuller human being.